terms and conditions
If you don’t feel like reading these: this entire piece of text can be summarised as “Let’s all just try and be reasonable people, okay?” You should still read it though.
Article 1 – Joylent.eu
Here’s some info about us:
Address: Archangelkade 17D, Amsterdam 1013BE
Email: [email protected]
Chamber of Commerce: 61503150
Likes: Hanging out with friends
Dislikes: Crying babies on a plane
Favourite Game of Thrones character: Never seen it
Least favourite Game of Thrones character: Is there a crying baby on a plane in that show?
Article 2 – What do these general conditions apply to?
1) These terms and conditions apply to everything Joylent offers and every agreement we make with you. They do not exist just to make your life difficult: they’re also here to make our own lives a bit harder.
2) You really have to read these terms and conditions before you buy something. If you can’t because you have no internet, which is rather weird by the way, we can send them to you–which has already been the case if you have no internet, since you’re reading this right now. This whole situation is a bit meta. You can also come visit us to read the terms and conditions. But we don’t have one of those luxury offices like Google, with built-in roller coasters and a stable full of giraffes, so get ready for a disappointment if you decide to stop by.
3) Our terms and conditions can be read on Joylent.eu. But if you prefer to get them sent to you via email, no problem. If you want to get them via the old fashioned post, just let us know, and we will find out if that still exists.
4) In addition to these general conditions, specific product or service conditions may apply, and if they conflict with each other, just choose which terms you like best. (Seriously.)
Article 3 – The offer
1) If an offer has a limited validity or certain conditions, we will always make that perfectly clear, like an angry mom who wants the dishes to be done before she gets back from her manicure.
2) Our product descriptions are very truthful, so you may comfortably assess whether you want to buy Joylent or not. It may be that pictures of staff members on this website have been Photoshopped, but the product itself looks exactly like it does in real life.
3) We will always give you clear information, so that you know exactly what your rights and obligations are when you buy something. We will tell you:
a. exactly how much money we want from you, hehe;
b. what the delivery costs will be. If you are our neighbour, these will probably be lower than if you live on a mountain flank in Japan;
c. how the agreement will be achieved and what should be done to make both our dreams concerning this business deal a reality;
d. whether the right of withdrawal is valid: this is your ability to cancel your order within fourteen workdays, which makes us sad just thinking about it, to be honest;
e. the manner of payment, delivery and performance of the contract (spoiler alert: payment will involve your hard-earned money);
f. the deadline for accepting the offer, or the term within we can guarantee the price to stay the same: setting a timeframe won’t hurt any of us, even though time is an illusion and our existence on earth is meaningless;
g. the cost of distance communication if the rates are not the same as the basic rate: for example, in case we decide to get an expensive telephone number or an expensive email address;
h. how to look into your information when we’ve filed the agreement in our archives, in case you forgot who you are again;
i. how to become aware of unwanted actions before the agreement has been concluded, and how to carefully prevent these (in which case you’re probably a soccer mom);
j. the minimum duration of a contract where periodic or continuous delivery of products is being made. Wait, continuous? Who’s THAT hungry?
Article 4 – The contract
1) The contract is formed once you accept the offer and meet the conditions. Also, from that moment, we’re officially friends.
2) If you accept the offer on the Internet, we will confirm it right away. However, as long as you didn’t get this confirmation, you can still cancel your order if you want. Feeling a bit fickle, huh? That’s okay. We’re friends.
3) We do everything to protect all of your electronic data, especially your payment details. Our website is completely secure. We don’t want your money to end up in the wrong hands. We want it to end up in OUR hands.
4) We are allowed to inform ourselves about whether you’re able to pay, and whether there are other facts and factors about you that may affect the agreement. We won’t break any privacy laws or anything, but if we strongly suspect that it’s for the best if we don’t enter into an agreement with you, we may refuse your order. Can we still be friends though? We’re so very lonely.
5) When placing an order, you will receive this information:
a. the address you can send all your love letters and complaints to;
b. the warranty and after sales service we provide, which includes massages if you ask nicely enough;
c. the data stated in article 3, paragraph 3 of these terms and conditions. Just look over there, I’m tired of typing man;
d. the requirements for cancellation of a contract that lasts more than a year. For example, you need to add some kleenex when you return the product, so we can wipe away our tears of rejection. We’re supposed to be friends!
6) In case of an extended transaction, you will only receive the information mentioned in the previous paragraph with the first delivery. So keep it. Keep it close to your heart.
Article 5 – Right of withdrawal
1) If you buy something, you may cancel the contract within fourteen workdays, and you don’t even have to tell us why. This period starts on the day after you received the order, and from that moment on out, we’ll be sitting in our offices with a stopwatch, waiting until workday number fourteen is over, and the sale will officially be final. Party!
2) During this fourteen day period, you have to handle the product and packaging carefully, and you may only unpack or use the product in order to assess whether you want to keep it. It’s pretty great though, you should just keep it. If you decide to send it back anyway, the product must be complete, if possible in its original condition and packaging. And as stated in article 4, paragraph 4d: please add some kleenex, because we’re really hurt right now.
Article 6 – Return Costs
1) If you want to send the order back, you have to pay the delivery charges yourself. The Joylent must be in its original condition, so please note that you can’t have eaten and digested it already and put the end result back into the box.
2) If you have paid and decide to send the order back to us, we will refund the amount as soon as possible. We need up to thirty days to make sure you have not secretly licked the product.
Article 7 – Exclusion of right of withdrawal
1) We can exclude your right of withdrawal, but only if we state it clearly with the offer. Surprises are for birthday parties, not for doing business in the wonderful but complex food industry.
2) The right of withdrawal can only be excluded for products
a. that have been made to your specifications;
b. that are clearly personal in nature;
c. that can not be returned due to their nature;
d. that can quickly deteriorate or expire;
e. sorry, there’s no e. unfortunately;
f. whose price depends on fluctuations in the financial market (that we, as powerless mortals, have no effect on).
Article 8 – The price
1) As long as the offer is valid, prices will not be increased, except when they’re related to changes in VAT rates. That’s the government’s fault, you know. Best start making some protest signs.
2) If the price of certain products or services is dependent on fluctuations in the financial market (which we as powerless mortals have no effect on), the price may vary. We’ll always point this out with the offer though.
3) Within three months after the start of a contract, the price may be increased as a result of legislation or regulations. Again, it’s the government you should complain to. Power up that Facebook, write a devastating protest post about them and change this whole planet!
4) The price may be increased three months after the start of the agreement, but if this happens, you can always decide to cancel the contract. We do not judge. Aloud.
5) All prices include VAT. This money will go to the government, so they can put it into their special fund for making your life miserable. They do not like you!
Article 9 – Compliance and Warranty
1) We promise that all Joylent products meet:
a. the agreement;
b. the specifications listed in the offer;
c. the reasonable requirements of reliability and / or usefulness;
d. the legal provisions and / or government regulations existing on the date of the conclusion of the agreement;
e. we’re very sorry but the e. has still not been found at this point.
2) If you feel like reading the worst sentence ever written in any Earthan language, here’s your chance: “An arrangement offered by the trader, manufacturer or importer as a guarantee does not affect the rights and claims that the consumer can assert to the entrepreneur based on the law and / or the distance contract in respect of a failure to fulfil the obligations of the employer.” I’m actually nauseous right now.
Article 10 – Delivery and execution
1) We’ll be careful with your order. If we see a staff member roughhousing a box of Joylent, we will roughhouse his career, by firing him.
2) If you place an order, we deliver the product to the address you provide us. That may sound logical, and… well it is. So don’t worry about us accidentally delivering your product to your arch nemesis Kevin.
3) We will carry out the orders as quickly as possible, and in any case within thirty days, unless we have agreed otherwise. If there’s a delay in your order, or an order can only be partially executed, or a fire hurricane is eating our planet, then you will also hear that within thirty days. You will be able to cancel your order, and are entitled to any damages. Not for damages caused by the fire hurricane, of course. That crazy storm is not our fault.
4) If you decide to cancel your order in one of the cases stated above, we will refund the amount as soon as possible, depending on how much damage we suffered because of that fire hurricane. In any case, we do so within thirty days of the cancellation.
5) If we cannot deliver a product ordered, we will do our best to provide a replacement item. You will be notified that it’s a replacement item you’re getting, so if we deliver a living ostrich instead of a box of Joylent, we will clearly say: this is a living ostrich, not a box of Joylent. If you get a replacement item, you can return the order if you want. The delivery costs are for us. (Even though it’s really not cheap to transport live ostriches.)
6) If the product is damaged before it’s delivered to you, then that’s our problem, not yours. But if the Joylent has been delivered and your roommate thinks it’s drugs and he washes the whole package down the toilet because a police officer just biked past, then that’s your problem.
Article 11 – Duration Transactions: duration, termination and renewal
1) If we enter into a contract of indefinite duration, you can always cancel it. The notice period is one month. Please follow the termination rules though: someone has put time and energy into raising you right. Please let that shine through when you’re ruthlessly terminating your business contract with us.
2) A contract for a definite period lasts up to two years. Pregnancy of an elephant can last up to 22 months, which is almost two years. That was just some free trivia for you. Don’t be afraid to learn something.
3) A fixed-term contract will not be automatically renewed. We really hate that shit ourselves so we’re not doing that.
4) When a contract’s duration is longer than one year, you can always cancel it after that year. The notice period for cancellation of the contract is one month. Please note: our friendship is O V E R.
Article 12 – Payment
1) Let’s talk money. You must pay within two weeks, unless we have agreed otherwise. We have many goals as a company, and one of the most important goals – if we’re really being honest – is to get your money into our bank account. So yeah.
2) There should never be agreed upon a prepayment of more than 50%. And if prepayment has been agreed upon, then you still have nothing to say about the execution of the order, sorry. We like you but it’s just… that’s OUR thing you know.
3) If you find something is not right in your payment information, then you should immediately inform us, because that could seriously harm our chances of getting your moola into our bank account. Please understand the importance of your money to us.
4) If you don’t pay, then… you still have to pay. And in that case there will probably be additional costs as well. In conclusion, it comes down to this: you should probably pay.
Article 13 – Complaints
1) There is a complaints procedure and we adhere to it like the well raised gentlemen that we are.
2) If you have a complaint, let it out. Don’t let it fester inside you until it consumes your soul. Also, please be clear in your complaint. If you send us an email with just the text “Well I never!” in it, five months after your order, we can’t be of much help, you know.
3) Complaints will be answered within two weeks. If we need more time to respond because we are on holiday, spending the cash we made by doing business with you, we’ll let you know within two weeks. They say the Maldives are lovely this time of year.
Article 14 – Additional or different terms
If conditions were added or changed, we are legally obliged not to screw you over. We must ensure that the new terms are made available to you in a letter, by email or maybe even in a well designed .pdf file, so you will be able to save them somewhere. We will not write them in the sky with an airplane, is what we’re trying to say here.
Article 15 – Customers Questions and product descriptions
Please understand that we are not doctors. We have full confidence in our products and use it ourselves, and we try to describe the products and answer customers’ questions as well as we can. But we did not study medicine for eight long years in a bleak hospital. Therefore, Joylent.eu makes no claims about diagnosis, treatment, cure or disease and all that stuff. Our website provides information on what Joylent is, but the information has not been evaluated by medical professionals and should not be construed as medical advice. Always consult a medically qualified doctor before you start using Joylent.
Article 16 – Intellectual property
The intellectual property of all information, communications or other expressions concerning Joylent is ours. Or the property of our suppliers or other claimants. But it’s not yours. You own other stuff.
Article 17 – Your personal information
Article 18 – Applicable law and competent court
Only Dutch law applies to all offers, agreements and their implementation. The CISG is not applied, as the Wikipedia page on this subject is totally super boring. We don’t want anything to do with this.
Article 19 – Links
There may be third party advertisements or links to other websites on Joylent.eu, and we are not responsible for their privacy policies. And don’t get mad when there’s boobies on those websites and you’re allergic to boobies or something. We’re not responsible for third party boobies either.